redlight_artist

I've been thinking about this for the last few days and don't really have a good answer.

Here's the question:
Who would you be if you weren't you?

I see the different angles and ways of approaching it, but I don't have an actual answer. When I was first asked, I tossed out stuff from the things I've learned in regards to sociology, psychology, and all the different philosophies. It covered what is personality and how people define themselves... you get the idea. It's a pretty simple question, and sort of silly, but it got me really thinking.

Lately, I don't really want to be me anymore. But, if I'm not me, then who am I?

Who knows? Does it really matter?


In the meantime, I made a batch of fudge. I got a recipe that is 12 oz of chocolate chips (melt them down), 2lbs of powdered sugar mixed (very quickly) with a cup of Jack Daniel's, which is then mixed with the melted chocolate (very very quickly). Throw the whole business (very, very very quickly) into a 9x13 baking dish and Bam! fudge.

Very, very flammable and highly alcoholic fudge since it's a no cook recipe.

I substituted the cup of Jack with a cup of Hennessy and it seems to have turned out pretty good. I tossed in a half cup of finely chopped walnuts, but I think a cup of finely chopped maraschino cherries would have been nice too.

As fudge goes, it wasn't that big of a pain in the ass to make. My whole kitchen smells extra special and I totally get the recipe warnings to not give to minors or eat too much of it. It's the first time I've made a recipe with alcohol in it that was actually pretty potent.

I think I'll experiment with the recipe and make up a few batches as holiday treat gifts. I don't see it being a good idea for the office potluck... well, that'd be amusing until I got fired.

This is in Milan. I love it!! Love the huge purple snailness of it all. I adore snails and would love to buy a 2 meter snail for my... living room. (I'm an apartment dweller... not a lot of options.) Fantastic

If you love pigeons, then check out this super cute animated short. It's very well done, the pigeon is great, and it's just fun!





http://pigeonimpossible.com/index.shtml

Today was just a jumble of chaos. The computer systems at work died for about 4 hours (epic panic - such a good reminder on why I decided to not pursue a management position) and then the other building had a computer failure that turned them into an island for a while. (No computers, couldn't call in or out... mess.)

However...

It's raining now and that's lovely. I actually got all the laundry done for the week (HATE laundry). The book I need to read for my econ paper is quite good. My kink meme fic is wrapping up and I still like what I wrote.

It really is the little stuff

I'm going to be 31 in a few weeks so I'm starting to get the pre-birthday contemplative weirdness that tends to happen to me.

I can't say that I feel old because I've always felt old and out of time, out of step with pretty much everyone around me. It's not a bad feeling - just different and something I've always noticed.

Still... I'm reflecting on life and stuff right now and I feel weird. I found myself listening to old stuff today: Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. Man, I really loved that music and I still do. It still makes me feel things, just not the same things as it did when I was in high school. I think that's a good thing.

Do I miss high school and being a teenager? Hell no! Those years sucked so much with a sprinkling of good memories here and there. I was such an outcast, so different from the painfully homogeneous folks in my school. I didn't have the social awareness and savvy I have now that lets me keep the weirdness to myself and go about my merry way. Nearly 31 years later, I realize I'm still pretty strange but at least I know what to do with it.

Still... if I was going to pick a time in my youth that I miss somewhat or at least think about, it would be third grade because being 9 was pretty cool. School was so easy and fun. I was in Girl Scouts and that was awesome!! My friends were pretty great and my sister and I played together for hours on end. There was coloring and art projects, comfortable clothes and cat shirts, cartoons and toys. I knew how to read and make tea and toast. My grandmother was alive and in great health and my mom was a stay at home mother who did really awesome things for the family. My dad hadn't retired yet and we had a little bit more money compared to the years that followed when we lived on his pension alone. The kids hadn't figured out how weird I was and I wasn't an outcast. I was just 9 and it was magical. Sure, there were challenges and low points... but not like the years that followed.

I don't want to 'go back' or relive any of that. Things happen and come together for their own reasons. I still like cats and cartoons. I've been known to color every now and then. Tea and toast is a great companion to a good book. I've got a few really dear friends and my parents are still alive. I'm grateful for what's in my life, even when things really suck and seem hopeless. It's just weird to think about all that's happened since I was a little kid. It really does seem like a lifetime ago.

Working on the holiday gift budget... Gifts, birthdays, cards, party dress... sigh. It all adds up. However, I think I found the perfect gift for a bunch of people on my list.




No shit - this glass holds an ENTIRE bottle of wine and it's only $12.99 (plus shipping). You can find it online at Kotula's: The Guys with the Goods.

Hey Maine! God considers lobsters an abomination. Just saying...

Leviticus 11:10
"And everything in the seas and the torrents that has no fins and scales, out of every swarming creature of the waters and out of every living soul that is in the waters, they are a loathsome thing for you.


I'm really upset about the repeal of same sex marriage in Maine. There are so many facets of wrongness to the whole business.

Wow - November first! This year is really whizzing by... there's a month left of the semester and I need to start thinking about holiday plans.

I want to get back to regular posting. I sort of gave up writing again and that's shown itself is a lot of little ways. The blinking cursor every time I try to put anything down is discouraging enough to shut down most of my writing attempts. I've been feeling a little distant from LJ and the communities I love so much. I want to change that and the way to do so is to just pick up the pace again.

10 (in no particular order) reasons why I love to write:

1. It's such fun to be a different person or several different people at once.
2. I find joy in giving people a good story to read.
3. It's the one of the best ways I can express myself.
4. For someone who thinks and is often very preoccupied, it's tremendously relaxing to fall into creating a story.
5. It's an enjoyable challenge with the rush of accomplishment.
6. It's a way of letting fantasy stay a fantasy but still be enjoyable.
7. Writing has let me meet amazing, talented writers who have taught me so much - whether they know it or not!
8. I love to tell stories.
9. It's a chance to use words and phrases I never get to use in 'real' life.
10. It makes me happy like few things can.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/terrifying-vintage-halloween-photos/

Now those are some freaking scary pictures.

This is one of my favorite holidays!!!

Right now, it's sort of gray and stormy outside. Normally, that'd piss me off a bit since I have all sorts of plans today - but today it's just part of the charm. (As long as it doesn't snow!)

Last night, my sweetie and I went to the Organ Grinder's Ball. It's hosted by a local S&M dungeon and they put on a few events each year. They'll have a few pieces of dungeon equipment scattered around for people to play with - and a lot of people did - a screen with kinky stuff being projected, a little naughty scene acted out with their members, and really awesome industrial music. It was a lot of fun. There were a lot of people there wearing this amazing range of fetish gear, typical Halloween stuff, and just normal street clothes. It was a little wild. We didn't play on any of equipment (not our kink), but was a pretty sexy night.

Today - in stark and wonderful contrast - we're going back to the city market for fresh crepes for breakfast and then heading off to the art museum for the Paul Gauguin exhibit. It looks like they have some great pieces on display.

We may be going to a Halloween party tonight. Not sure yet... but that could be fun too. This has been one of the best Halloween's in a long time.

Good times yesterday... in a totally geeky sort of way. My sweetie and I did a Doctor Who rewatch of the 9th Doctor. Wow... I'd forgotten how much I loved Christopher Eccelston as the Doctor. He was just wonderful.

My sweetie and I went to my knitting group tonight and had a wonderful time. It was at a rather posh restaurant with delicious, elegant food and such engaging people. I'm just about done with my latest project and it was fun to get some new ideas.

It's been a busy week, but all is moving along. Work is hectic, but hopeful. I'm 10 weeks into the semester, which will end on Dec 8. (Happy Birthday to me! I get both my finals on my b-day.)

However... all that is not important because I'm going to make a batch of hot buttered rum, pop up some popcorn, and watch the Peanuts Halloween Special tonight. Yay!!! (I love Snoopy!!!)

This is just too damn cute to keep to myself.

It feels and smells and looks like fall outside! I love it so much. The 'good parts' of fall don't last very long here. It will be cold and gray with the threat of snow in a few weeks.

I went to a Stitch and Bitch group meeting tonight!! A friend from work and I went to a group that meets every few weeks at restaurants and knits. It was wonderful. I was the only crocheter, but no one made too big a deal about it. (There's this thing that crochet is inferior to knitting. I'm not sure why, it's just this thing.) My friend and I are thinking about starting a stitching group at a local coffee house. It would be cheaper and close enough for people to meet without going too far out of their way.

Augh... can't sleep. Stupid insomnia... I hate dealing with this on a work night.

Someone just rang the doorbell. I hate that - freaks me out because I'm almost never waiting for company. At 10:30pm, it's especially freaky. (I never leave the apartment to answer the door or investigate.) However... I do take comfort in the fact the outside apartment numbers near the doorbells are so faded that people generally start ringing their way through the list.

Since we have a locked outside entrance to the building (LOVE THAT), it totally flips me out when some actually knocks on my door. The last time that happened, it was a pair of Morman missionaries. Being the sort that doesn't trust anyone, I stood on the other side of my (locked) door and told them to leave. (I think I sounded slightly unhinged since they went down the stairs rather quickly.)

It's weird though. I get crazy paranoia all the time. I'm not sure how I'm going to do when I get a house.

I needed to think for a bit before posting...

The firewalk was pretty cool, but so different from last year's experience. My sweetie and I met some very interesting people and that was new from the previous time. We exchanged contact info with 2 lovely women and I hope it leads to some new friends. (Okay... and they were definitely the sort of women I'm attracted to... Not getting my hopes up or anything, but wow... )

In terms of an inspirational experience, the firewalk was just not the same. I was surrounded by people with all the same basic affirmations (we did affirmation exercises) and it just stuck with me. Accept me, love me, value me... it was all a variation of that. I realized I don't want or really need other people to validate me. Even when I'm all crazy about work, that comes from the desire to not have drama or (in a more practical sense) a sudden involuntary loss of income. I feel alone most of the time because I think I'm growing in a different direction than most of the folks around me. I don't think I'm all that special, just got different goals than most folks I deal with.

Walking of fire felt like more a renewing my commitment to staying strong and being brave. Lately, I've felt small and helpless. This really helped; I feel braver again. I need to do some 'real' acts of bravery now. (By this, I mean take a real risk compared to something I know is physics not metaphysics.)

So... acts of bravery... Well, I sent an email to the professor at the college who is both a CPA and CMA to meet with her about the merits of each one. I looked up the requirements to become a certified quality auditor (not qualified to sit for the test until March 2010, but I can start studying now). I emailed both of the lovely women I met this Saturday instead of just letting that go by the wayside. I acknowledged the fact that I REALLY need to lose some weight and bought some much needed new running shoes. (I'm weird like that - new workout gear actually motivates me.)

It's hard though. I have a lot of my own bullshit to cut through. Instead of 'accept me,' 'love me,' and 'validate me' I need to do this for myself. I need to understand and accept where I'm at now good, bad, or otherwise and deal with that. Running after outside approval is like running after the wind; silly to watch and stupid to do. It's about time I stop that.

Wow. This month, this year has just flown by. I can't quite get my head wrapped around all of it.

I feel almost compelled to natter on about the usual work sucks/school is tedious crap, but I can't. It's nonsense. It's insignificant. Oh... and it's boring as hell. Sorry for anyone who reads my posts. This has been a rather boring journal.

In fact, this life I've been leading has been rather boring and insignificant and full of nonsense. I'm not depressed, but I've been questioning everything. I don't really know why I continue to live. I'm not suicidal - just not sure of my purpose. It's a weird limbo to be in.

Tomorrow is the fire walk! I did it last year and it was amazing. The same group is hosting another and we really wanted to be a part of that again. We invited some people to join us, but I think they're not going to. Oh well... I'm a little disappointed in that. I wanted to share the experience with them.

I think that's a big part of how I feel. There's this incredible aloneness in my life. Not exactly loneliness, just this sense of feeling on the edge of everything, like an outsider. It's been with me all my life, but sometimes I feel it more than usual. This is one of those times. I feel very alone.

So what will I do differently? I don't know yet. I can't keep living like this, like I'm just existing.

I had a long talk with my boss today and everything went amazingly well. He came up with some solutions and really liked the work I've been doing. It's such a relief.

I got a B on a the accounting test!!!! Happy Day!!! Being attacked by a wasp and discretely killing said wasp with the back of the test did not adversely affect my grades.

Greek festival started today!! My sweetie and I had a gyro and a beer. Sooo very good. We'll probably go every day of the festival just to try everything.

I hope I can actually sleep a whole night through tonight. I've been able to sleep only a few hours at a time because I keep waking up a crazy times worrying.

So... I've totally blown a deadline at work. I'm not looking forward to my monthly review... I've been living at my job (working 7am to 6pm or later, working the weekends, Labor Day) and that didn't help with the deadline. It doesn't seem like it's going to help with work going forward. In addition to keeping up with school, this is killing me. I can't sleep any more and I'm crazy anxious all the time. I'm burning out.

I sent an update email to my boss. He can't really do anything to help... I'd just like to not get fired.

Although I wonder some nights if that would be a blessing in disguise.

It is so pretty and perfect outside. Cool enough to make you grab a hoodie, warm enough to make being outside a delight. The sky is so blue, the clouds fluffy and white, and everything is still mostly green. We've got a lot of really great things planned for this month. It's so exciting.